Canadian Infertility Awareness Week

I am part of a group on facebook called Fertility Matters Canada.  It is a page that is constantly raising awareness of infertility.  There articles and posts are inspiring and enlightening for those trying or who have family and friends trying to conceive.

This week is Canadian Infertility Awareness Week (CIAW) .   I will be posting the link to this blog again in hopes of helping someone through their own journey.

For those new to my blog, welcome.    Please look through the history and read my journey to the family I currently have.  I don't post as often and my most recent posts may be hard to read as they are about my current pregnancy.    I originally started this blog as a way to keep family and friends up to date about our journey. I was finding I was telling the same story over and over or people felt unsure to ask or not.  So...I was able to give myself a bit of a break and allow others to stay in the loop.    It became very therapeutic for me....to put into words how I was feeling emotionally and physically.  It is quite the roller coaster ride.

Initially I kept the blog to those I invited.....but as things progressed I opened it to the public.  I started talking more with others, seeing how many are struggling and see how sharing feelings helps the process, helps normalize how we feel.  Since I have had many comments about how reading my blog has helped get through some hard times. 

So, in the spirits of CIAW and making infertility not so taboo...please pass this on to anyone you think could benefit. Not everyone is ready or wants to talk....but many find comfort in knowing they are "not crazy" or alone in their feelings.  I have been fortunate to make it through this journey...but the emotions and feelings I understand and empathize.

#fertilitymatters

33 weeks and counting

The weeks keep passing by and we are getting closer and closer to meeting our new little Argoso, "frozen" as Dennis so lovingly calls him/her.:)  Since my last post I have see our OB Dr Rob twice.  Surprisingly, positive results from the ultrasounds and his opinion related to the measurements.   Both ultrasounds have shown that the os ("opening") is not covered at all. The placenta membrane and tissue are just close.  He's really calling it a "low lying placenta".   The second ultrasound showed it had moved ....marginally but moved.  The way the measurements are read is the distance from the OS.  I believe we are looking for 2cm away (as a safe distance).   My latest showed.  1.6 cm to the placenta membrane....but 2.6 to the actual tissue.  Which is great! At this point he feels confident in letting me try vaginally. Yay!  OF course a Csection may be needed if complications....but that's always been the case with trying a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After a Csection).
Here is a diagram to kind of show what the terms all mean:



So...I go back next week to see Dr Rob again and see what the ultrasound shows.  In the meantime I continue to see my midwife as well, which is great! I love that I get the best of both worlds. 

While there I did ask Dr Rob about restrictions. I was nervous that with work and lifting I could cause harm or exacerbate things.   I had been founding work quite challenging and my back had been flaring a lot.  His suggestion was to take it easy and limit lifting.  With my job, that's vague and hard to do. I had him fill out the form Occ health requires for limited work.  He had suggested 1/2 days with limiting squatting and lifting...<5kg.   When really thinking about this....that's my job!:)  A limb is that weight.  Occ health put together a suggested schedule but my coordinator was great about agreeing that  it couldn't be accommodated.  I was torn about leaving, feeling guilty leaving my colleagues short staffed....mentally I wasn't quite there yet.....but I knew my body needed it.  I had a day and a half to wrap up my patients, get paper work done and clean out my desk!

I am in week 3 of being off. I knew with in a few days it was the right thing.  Despite the previa..I think my body just isn't holding up like it did with Callen.   I nap daily, if not twice and I do feel much better over all.  I have a long list of to do's that Dennis reminds me don't need to be done immediately or at all....but need to putter....I just rest.    Costco.....that's a work out for me!  LOL

When I feel weird about being home I remember what a friend said:

" Only you can do this job of growing that baby...nobody else"

This is true....so I will enjoy my time and get rest now....yes I know that will change!:)
Other than the placenta and me slowing down.....baby is great.....happy as a clam in there!  Kicking lots!  Until next time.....

Long over due up date

Been meaning to write an update since our 18 week ultrasound....but somehow time got away from me and here we are at nearly 29 weeks! EEK

 It's been a bit of a roller coaster with highs and low.   Ultrasounds show baby is great!  I have felt lots of kicking and movement which is really cool.    I am definitely growing and feel bigger than I was with Callen at this point.  Most people are nice and tell me I look great....but not sure if they are just being nice:)  I feel a bit slower ....but that's okay...it's all worth it!  All our ultrasounds have shown that baby is doing well

The down has been that our first ultrasound showed that I might have placenta previa.  Basically this means that my placenta is low lying and either partially or completely covering the os....(cervix opening).  Our 18 week ultrasound wasn't clear if it was partial or complete.  Our ultrasound this week showed it is complete at this time.  The tech told us the membrane of the placenta is covering the opening.  SO basically..>NO WAY OUT for the baby.  Our midwife has referred me to see an OB to get their advice.

So...what does this mean??? Not 100% sure...but this is what I know.

Partial previa:  the os isn't completely covered or it's a certain distance away.  From what the midwife has told me is if it is so far away from the opening trying a vaginal delivery is safe.  She also said that as the pregnancy progresses it 'could' move further away.

Complete previa:  Os (cervis opening) completely covered. Not sure if it can grow out of the way or not. If not....it means a C-section.  The risk from what I understand is that if the placenta is delivered first the baby is without oxygen.

Other risks as the pregnancy progresses include bleeding/spotting (so far nothing) which could be related to the placenta pulling away from the wall due to being close to the opening.  The part I am unsure about is activity.   So far I have been told I can keep working but to be careful with heavy lifting. I have read that many people are on bed rest as a result of this but not sure when. Hoping an appointment with our OB will clarify this.

So...how am I doing? I have had a few melt downs.  I am sad and disappointed to potentially have a C-section again. I of course realize I need to and this is what's safe for me and baby.  But....I was really hoping to try vaginally/naturally.  Dennis is confused and doesn't understand but it's hard to explain.  I want to experience that, as crazy as it may sound.  I know people say it hurts, go with less hurt but it's something your body naturally knows how to do...I just was hoping to be able to try.  Also, a c section hurts...but in a different way and imposes restrictions for a longer time.   I am worried how Callen will do not being able to be carried by me or cuddled as easily.     I knew a csection was always a possibility with anyone....but didn't think it would be decided ahead of time again.
On...a positive note...this baby has no directional challenges....head is down!! Go figure!:)

Anyway, I hope I am not frustrating those out there who aren't pregnant or are trying.  I am not complaining...well maybe a bit....:) In the end I will have a baby, and a healthy baby and mom is the end game.  I can't promise to not have more emotional/hormonal moments but I will come around to what has to happen.

Next steps for us....see our OB, continue growing...and peeing....oh my god number of times I pee!:)
Thanks again to everyone to following us on our journey.  Fertile thoughts and vibes going out to you all!

Happy New year

Happy new year to everyone!  I know the holidays are supposed to be best time of the year and for a lot they are.  Time with family, friends, eating too much and laughing a lot.  We were fortunate to have a wonderful time with all sort of family and friends.  Callen was just fascinating to watch.  The innocence of a child seeing a Christmas tree with wide eyes, tearing open a gift with no concept of greed or want and watching as he plays with cousins he doesn't see often is wonderful.

However, I do know this can sometimes be a challenging time of year. I remember many blue Christmas's, trying to smile and keep my emotions inside while watching happy families, those with new born babies....happy for them....yet mad at life, God, whomever that it wasn't me yet.  I clearly remember tearing up during many of the church Christmas songs....there is a lot of talk about babies and miracles, etc etc.  Don't get me wrong I had fun, I reveled in the moment and the season...but a small part of me was aching..  So...for those there now....it's okay. I have said this before....it's almost my mantra....but it has served me well.  Allow yourself to feel. *insert sad, mad,* ...don't talk yourself into feeling that way.

I want to share something that happened the other day....
I ran into an old acquaintance the other day.  She asked if I was pregnant...and then joking after  "or too much Christmas food".  Later I received a message apologizing for the comment....about the food...which had not bothered me at all.  She ended up sharing that her and her husband were having fertility issues....that she had known I was pregnant from reading this blog but didn't know how to say it.  She said my blog has helped her feel less alone.  If you are reading this...thank you for sharing.  Knowing I have helped even one person along this crazy journey makes me know I did the right thing by starting this.  Yes it was for me more in the beginning....but I am so glad it has and still is helping others...

Anyway,  I am doing well pregnancy wise.  17 weeks, getting a belly, almost no innie belly button but feeling better and more energetic overall. I can brush my teeth easier, climb the stairs with less puffing and actually got back to the gym! yay!    I can feel more movement but nothing external yet. Can't wait for Callen to feel it.  He already says hi baby...and kisses my belly! So cute!

On that note...off to bed for me...night all...

In the clear!!

We went for our 12 week ultrasound yesterday and all went really well. I was nervous going in, despite gagging that morning:) I think I will always remember that first 12 week ultrasound...thinking everything was great....and then it wasn't.  It's crazy the mind games we play with ourselves...even when unintentional.

Anyway, I drank my water...and had a 'comfortably full bladder' ...whatever that means!:)  First thing  Shelly (ultrasound tech) found was the heart beat! Phew!  Then I just watched as she measured everything....so cool to see the brain , arms, legs, little feet.  I had to move around a bit toward the end to get it to flip so we could get a profile shot. I think it looks different than Callen.....who knows.  We aren't finding out...and apparently now is too early to accurately find out anyway.

So...we are quite excited and ready to relax a little bit.  Nothing is ever a guarantee but we are past the first bit.  Dennis was pretty excited and got right on making our announcement picture.  He's been planning this for awhile....  Are we bad parents for making our first born cry for our amusement? :) It was only for a few minutes...honest!!

It's all worth it

I recently was talking with some friends who are having their own fertility journey....slightly different than ours but similar.  They are having some frustration with the process, the information from health care providers and just the emotional and physical parts of the process.  If you have followed my blog since the beginning you will know that we have had a lot of ups and downs, times when I wanted to give up and throw in the towel, times when I thought we would never have a family of our own, never be happy....  Those times are normal and expected.  Physically I put my body through crazy highs and lows hormonally and emotionally....it will probably never be the same again.  :)

BUT....would I do it over again?  If it was my only way to experience the love and joy Callen brings to our lives...Yes...in a heart beat. It was and is worth it.  Do I wish it had been easier and just work out like it does for many..hell ya....but I have learned a lot along the way...and now have the pleasure of hopefully helping even a few others by sharing my story.

So...to those trying for the first time, second time....or whatever..CHIN UP!  Your journey will present itself eventually.  It may not be as you had envisioned it but it will be as it's supposed to be. 

Lots of positive fertile vibes to all of you looking for it.

Poutine is a vegetable....right?

Well....lets hope that my body knows how to pull out nutrients out of junk food as that's what I have been feeding it! :)  I have been eating okay but not like I normally do.  It's amazing and intriguing how our bodies which normally love salads, healthy foods is suddenly turned off my the thought of it  But a cinnamon bun, a bagel or even better yet poutine....hell ya!  I have literally had poutine twice this past week.    Don't worry I am trying to be good and eat some vegetables, fruits, etc.....but it's really hard.  This morning...the smell of mushrooms in Callen's omelette made my stomach turn.     My theory right now is....at least I am eating....and keeping it down....




Problem is...it's not helping my figure:)  I think I am already popping through with a belly.  I am totally fine with the image thing....just wasn't ready for my jeans not to fit already!   OH well...all part of the experience..... 

12 week ultrasound this week....so fingers crossed all is well