We have movement!!

Okay...so I can't feel anything....of course.  But you should have seen how much it was moving on the ultrasound today.  I think we both were a bit shocked.   This picture doesn't do the images we saw justice.    It is so amazing a SOFT...watching as the tech does the ultrasound..on a huge screen!!  One of the perks of going through SO many ultrasounds there for so long...is this benefit.  A mammoth screen and being told a bit about what is being seen!

So, a lot has happened in less than two weeks.  Big change from our last ultrasound...Our little..."we haven't given it a nick name yet...time to"...has really grown and developed.  It's heart rate was 179 today and it was moving like crazy.  It's little appendages were just a moving.  With a couple views we had a good profile and could see a nose and some facial structures.  The tech is just amazing and was able to show us it's brain, with both hemispheres visible...as well as the cord and its attachment to me.  All of this...and it's only 3 cm long.  Kind of mind boggling.  

With my chorionic bleed...it is getting smaller so that is awesome. I can start doing more activity.  If I get any bleeding or bad cramps...back off for a bit.  So...all looks good! yay!

Emotional struggle

I was back and forth about writing this post but figured I have been "keeping it real" from the beginning  and writing this usually makes me feel better or at least see things in a different light.  The past couple days I have felt more emotional, weepy and to make it simple...sad.    This feels so wrong to me and if I was someone reading this who is trying...I would think "suck it up..what is wrong...this is what you want"....I would be frustrated likely at their lack of realizing what they have.  I know I am supposed to be happy and excited...because this IS what we have been working toward...but lately...not so much.  I am not sure if I am worried and stressed as time ticks along, wishing 12 weeks was here...or if it is the raging pregnancy hormones or the daily hormone injections we are doing, or just the fact I have been so inactive lately....could be a combination of all of the above.  I feel sick saying this but I am jealous of Dennis riding the motorcycle, going out late with friends, working out and playing sports,  and I am feeling not ready "to show" yet, not sure I can do this.  I am scared I won't get a connection with this baby I am caring...which right now feels like someone else's.  I know all of this is irrational and not truly how I feel...but right now...it is real and strong.  In addition...I am likely pushing people, including Dennis away a bit.  I doubt I am the nicest person to live with right now.  I don't understand my emotions...but I expect him to know how to help me and respond. :)   I don't think I am alone in feeling this way and realize it will pass but it sucks in the moment.    Sort of feels like a prepartum sadness. I won't use the word depression...I don't think I am there...just in a slump.  So...i will take a deep breath, grab something munchy to eat, a box of tissue,  watch a show and get some sleep.  Hopefully tomorrow is a better day...I am sure it will be Thanks for listening...

Midwife vs O.B.....

I have always like the idea of a midwife.  Many friends and family have raved to me over the years about the personal touch, the consistency of care, the time they take to be with you and the follow up post delivery.  Like many things, I put in an application as soon as we got a positive.  You hear of many who do not get in. It wouldn't have been the end of the world...I am okay with an OB as well....but was leaning toward midwife.

So...we got a call! Yay!  Then we thought....should we..with the bleed and time off needed...am I considered high risk?  Consulted SOFT and were reassured that by time they stopped following me the bleed should be resolved. So...up to me which route I would like to take.  Doesn't mean when they hear more of my history they might decide I should be followed by someone else..or that if issues arise they can't /won't refer me to an O.B.

So...we have our first appointment at Womancare Midwives in a week or two...http://midwives.on.ca/  yay!!

Oh...our due date.  I for some reason did some weird counting and thought April...but nope..March 23rd!!  With IVF it isn't as easy as counting from your last period.  So...in a few weeks we will start to celebrate more and plan for some excitement in 2015!!

9 weeks!

Been awhile since I have wrote a post so thought I would do a bit of an update.  Today is the 9 week mark...so getting though slowly but surely.  Many have asked how I feeling.  To be honest I am feeling pretty good.  I can't complain...and shouldn't. We have been waiting for a long to for me to feel like this!:)  Seriously though, I think I am doing well.  My first day back to work was exhausting but I was still fighting my cold.  This week has been good so far.

As for first trimester symptoms...yes I have had a bit.  I was having a lot of aversions to things like pork chops, chicken (even swiss chalet..made me want to hurl!!)  but lately ate an A&W burger and pizza with meat.  Veggies I can eat...but not as interested in them.  But french fries, icecream...oh yeah...yum!!  So.....baby likes junk food....definitely Dennis' child.    My stomach has been nauseous at times, mainly in the afternoon if I am hungry...and then if I overeat.  Still figuring out what is best to do..but grazing seems to do the trick.  No vomiting....so I can take a churny stomach here and there!  Again...much better since kicking the cold.  Otherwise, sleeping more, napping on the weekends...but feeling good.




I am struggling a bit with how much activity to do still.  The instructions were vague. Basically this week is work, a few walks, maybe some stretches or Yoga if I feel good.  I go back on Monday for a follow up ultrasound.  So again...fingers crossed!!  I am just going by how I feel.  If I am tired, or achy or anything I rest if I can.  I haven't had any bleeding...so that is a good sign!!

As for how I am feeling...positive but still cautious.  It was around now that we lost last time...without knowing. So I am still protecting my heart a bit.  I said to a colleague..."If we get to 12 weeks I will feel better"...she corrected me "When you get to 12 weeks...."  YES..she is right....old habits are hard to break. I have had to be cautious for so long...its the natural way I speak/ think.  I am not negative and I feel we are on the right track...but can't fully commit/bond/connect yet.  This may sound awful...but I just can't.
Close friends asked us about colours for the baby room.  Yes I have always had ideas...but it seems too early, like we might be jinxing it to be talking about or deciding this yet.  A friend of mine won't have a baby shower till after the baby is born.  In their culture it is bad luck...funny how we think/ believe in things.

Thank you again to all of you who are supporting us from near and far and to those reading this I don't know.  I hope your find our journey interesting or helpful if you are struggling with similar things.  Stay tuned...will keep you posted...

OH...I keep hearing people can't comment that want to. Anyone good with blogger that knows how to make this happen?? I have on my setting that anyone can comment. Might change it to something else just to see...

Back to work for me!

In for our ultrasound this morning then spoke with the doctor.   Baby is good,  growing as expected,  heart rate 169 today.   Bleeding internally has shrunk but is still there.   Basically I can go back to work but take it easy.   If I have any bad bleeding (which I haven't in over a week)  I need to back it off a bit.   So.. I will take it day by day and see how my body responds.   I am so deconditioned right now just working will probably tire me out. :)

Another interesting thing noted were small cyst like spots as well.   Dr said could be vanishing triplets.   Yikes!   Hard to know.   Nothing to worry about...They usually just reabsorb.
So... Another step further.. Yay!!    Next ultrasound in two weeks.

Picture this time kind of fuzzy...More of a blog than a safety pin.   They will get better when we can start doing external ones.

Taking it easy

Been an interesting few days on "limited activity".  Apparently my body subconsciously didn't think I could do this limited activity thing because Thursday night I started getting a sore throat!  So yes....I have been fighting a cold and really not feeling like doing a whole lot.  The plus is I didn't feel guilty being home from work and resting since I was already here!  A couple good sleeps and I do feel much better.

The interesting part has been my stomach..Sunday I started to feel a bit queasy but wasn't sure if it was from the cold or not.  I am pretty sure it is some mild nausea now as some foods just don't interest me and my stomach is up and down being churny.  Not complaining...just amazing what our body does.  For example, Dennis' pork chop which he said was delicious the other night smelled like canned dog food! hmmm!   I am eating pretty well though...just figuring out what and when are good times.  I have a prescription for diclectin from my doctor just in case but doubt I will need it.  If it gets bad I am going to try acupuncture first.  Otherwise, feeling good.  I have been taking it easy reading, watching TV, went to our ball teams tournament and kept score.  So, "bed rest" hasn't been too bad.

Funny part is...Fozzy, our cat is also on restricted duties.  Friday I noticed him limping around, not putting weight on his back paw.  To the vet we go...likely a sprained ligament in his knee. So, anti inflammatory medication, limited activity and ice for him.  Dennis is like...great...another one needing nightly shots(his is orally) and bed rest!!:)

So, back to SOFT on thursday for an ultrasound to see how the subchorionic bleed is.  I have had no bleeding since last wednesday so I would say that is a good sign.  If all is good, I can get back to work and normal activity.   yay!!

Me...slow down...this will be fun!!

Today was our 7 week ultrasound.   Baby/embryo is good, heart beat 143 (higher than last week, which is positive) and measurements are increasing appropriately.   Looks different than our first seven week ultasound a couple years ago.  Can't see the "paddles" yet..but I trust what they say.   Last ultrasound they had noticed some small bleeding but were not concerned about the size.  While the tech  was doing measurements I was pretty sure the sub chorionic bleeding was more.  You kind of get used to watching and knowing if something is different.  She measured a big blob...which I know wasn't the embryo.

My hunch was right...I win a week off work!!!  Oh and I can't lift anything, walk too far or fast, really pretty much on a modified bed rest.  If I walk...DENNIS gets to set the pace.....that is SO painful!!!:). All kidding aside I will of course do it, but will be tough.  If anyone needs me I will be either reading or watching TV.  If it is nice I will set up shop outside.

As for cause  it is..hard to know.  It is fairly common.  They said there is nothing I have done wrong or could have done differently.  For those out there thinking I over did it(you know who you are:))...this is not the case.  Now I do have to chill and let it reabsorb.  Which I of course will do...
http://www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-health/complications/subchorionic-bleeding.aspx

Okay..so here is our picture...

Scarier moment...take two....again all good.

Warning...for some this may be TMI...but I will try and not be too bad.   So, the other morning I had some of those mild sharp twinges again. Okay...might just get some spotting is what I thought.  On the way to work...I had that period bleeding feeling...sometimes you just can feel it.  Ladies understand.  Problem was...it was consistent.  Walking into work my capris (which thank goodness were black) felt damp.  I was scared and shaky.  In the washroom my worries and feelings were right.  My underwear was soaked and I as bleeding heavy and I passed a large "clot"...  It reminded me of my miscarriage...so I was sure that was it. I know that two days earlier everything was fine...but it was just too familiar.  So much rushes through your mind then....did I do something wrong?  Is this really happening?? I don't think I can do this again/anymore....this is it.

So, we left work and went to SOFT. They are amazing. As soon as Brad saw me he knew something was wrong.  He reassured me it was probably okay.  Dennis had thought maybe it was the embryo that didn't implant...hard to know.  So, in for another ultrasound with Shelly (who is so amazing!).  Our embryo was/is still there...phew!!   AND....we got to hear a heart beat. Two days ago she said she could see some movement but not detect the beat.  So cool!! 120 beats per minute.  So...what was the bleeding? Who knows...the main thing is everything again is good.   They said no need to change how I do anything, business, life as usual.  So after changing my clothes...I went on with the rest of day.

Thanks to my colleagues who are reading this and saw me that day.  Your support and hugs mean the world to me on this roller coaster journey!

Happy long weekend everyone.  Have a drink for me!!