In the last post I spoke about my CRA CRA moments....my moments of sadness and confusion, my moments of being irrational and then rationale after. This was a pivotal moment for me in a way. Trying to weigh out how much I wanted to pursue IVF no matter what (therefore my own biological child) with low percent chance and a price vs wait and use that money for an egg donor which has a MUCH higher success rate, vs adopt but run the risk of the child not being ours. There were points during this downward spiral and during other poor me moments that I would think....DO I REALLY WANT A CHILD??? Maybe these are signs, maybe I am not meant to have children.. Maybe we should just take this money and travel the world!! That would be amazing.... Ride our motorcycles... Possibilities are endless. It is amazing what our minds can do. But I know we want children, that this is what we want...but it is hard.
At times I need to remind myself of all that is good. We are healthy, we have each other and amazing friends and family, we have great jobs, are stable and enjoy life! I remind myself that so many times. When others ask how we keep going..... I tell them this...because it is true...this sucks...but there are worse things in life by far.
Anyway, by this point in the year my body is exhausted too. My body doesn't know what normal is. In the past 12 months it has been pregnant, miscarried, lots of ultrasounds, lots of needle pokes and a crap load of drugs/hormones. I think in general I was struggling. When talking to Dennis about it...he hears me...but doesn't have that emotional spin like I do. When thinking about our options he is open to anything. Me?? I don't know...in the midst of my spiral I try to figure out what is really upsetting me. In the end... the questions going through my head are:
At times I need to remind myself of all that is good. We are healthy, we have each other and amazing friends and family, we have great jobs, are stable and enjoy life! I remind myself that so many times. When others ask how we keep going..... I tell them this...because it is true...this sucks...but there are worse things in life by far.
Anyway, by this point in the year my body is exhausted too. My body doesn't know what normal is. In the past 12 months it has been pregnant, miscarried, lots of ultrasounds, lots of needle pokes and a crap load of drugs/hormones. I think in general I was struggling. When talking to Dennis about it...he hears me...but doesn't have that emotional spin like I do. When thinking about our options he is open to anything. Me?? I don't know...in the midst of my spiral I try to figure out what is really upsetting me. In the end... the questions going through my head are:
- When is it okay to move on to the next step?
- How long can I continue like this?
- Am I giving up if I say no more IVF/IUIs? (There is still that low chance of me having my own biological child.)
- Does genetics really matter?
I know that we will love a baby no matter what...I KNOW that...but giving up that possibility and choosing to move on and truly accept it...it is tough...one of the toughest things to do. I ended up calling and talking to a friend who has a different journey but had to make that tough decision. When i say talk...I think I sobbed and blubbered into her ear....but to talk to someone else and hear her story and how she coped/felt in this moment helped a lot. I knew nobody could make my decision but I needed to just talk it out. I love Dennis dearly...but I needed to do this with someone who had been through it. She helped me normalize my feelings and realize it was okay...and would get better. After that...I was feeling like I was leaning toward moving on...it was time to start the next step...
No comments:
Post a Comment