Between our 7 and 12 week ultrasound was tiring. We were short staffed at work so I was doubly tired by the end of the day. I don't think I have ever napped or gone to bed so early in my life!:) Most of signs pointed to things going well. But I was still nervous. I very dear friend of mine who was pregnant and a week or so ahead of me found out at her 12 week ultrasound that their was no heart beat. (Positive now..she just delivered a beautiful little girl a week or so ago). It's such a fine balance...trying to stay positive, calm your nerves... That being said I was pretty sure it was all good. We had our first visit with a midwife, had put our names on day care lists and were planning how we would tell everyone after our ultrasound.
The day of the ultrasound we were all ready with our camera's once we were given the okay. But...this time there was no picture taking. I knew as soon as the image came up on the screen....something didn't look right. The image wasn't as clear as the first. The tech excused herself...and got one of the nurses. I knew...didn't want to know. She confirmed what we thought...there was no heart beat. They figured it had stopped around week 8. There was really no reason...it just happens. My heart broke, I felt sick to my stomach and I just bawled. Now over a year later it still makes me cry. Our miracle baby was gone....I had finally let down my guard after the first ultrasound and was excited, allowed myself to feel that excitement. And then this... This wasn't supposed to happen...it was OUR TURN! I went through a lot of emotions: anger, frustration. We were supposed to be announcing and celebrating but instead I was taking meds to induce a miscarriage. I felt like a shell. Some told us to be strong...but I didn't want to hear it in the moment. Dennis...he deals with news differently..and I know he was trying to be strong for me.
I want take a moment to say thank you to all of you who knew and were there for us. We received food and movie care packages, calls, emails, lots of prayers and words of support. I know many of you have gone through miscarriages too. Sharing your stories and how you felt helped normalize my feelings and work through them. To my work colleagues thank you for putting up with me and my random melt downs those first few weeks. I know many thought I was crazy going back to work...but I had to...I needed to do something, be busy, stop feeling and thinking. The challenge was just a week or so before two other colleagues had just announced their pregnancy. So it sounds awful but I avoided them for awhile to protect my feelings and not make them feel bad (they didn't know).
I want take a moment to say thank you to all of you who knew and were there for us. We received food and movie care packages, calls, emails, lots of prayers and words of support. I know many of you have gone through miscarriages too. Sharing your stories and how you felt helped normalize my feelings and work through them. To my work colleagues thank you for putting up with me and my random melt downs those first few weeks. I know many thought I was crazy going back to work...but I had to...I needed to do something, be busy, stop feeling and thinking. The challenge was just a week or so before two other colleagues had just announced their pregnancy. So it sounds awful but I avoided them for awhile to protect my feelings and not make them feel bad (they didn't know).
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