Going to take a break from the history catch up of our journey with this post and talk about coping with everything. I have had people tell me how strong we are, how inspirational we are to keep plugging on and staying positive. Thank you...but I don't always feel that way. The highs and lows ebb and flow. Yes..I allow myself my "poor me" moments, my "why" moments...and yes I CRY (I should be dry by now:)) I am often irrational as most of us are in those moments. My mind knows the truth..that our time will come but my heart and my emotions at that moment take over. I do however pull myself out of it and move on for that moment. Some of your know this but I saw a psychiatrist throughout and after my divorce process. Alot of the skills she taught me I use now. The biggest thing I take with me at all times of struggle and have shared with others is:
Allow yourself to be sad and feel it when you need to, take that time...but don't talk yourself into it.
I think this is very true!! I try to live by that....sometimes it is hard. It kind of aligns with the whole crucial conversations thing and not "telling yourself a story". (My hospital colleagues will get this one). Dennis is great about reminding me of these things. He deals with things differently and stays positive that things will happen when they are meant to.
I will be honest I am not positive all the time....ask Dennis...he has to deal with me behind the scenes...god bless him:) Don't get me wrong ....I hope and pray and use the "secret" technique after every try. But a little part of me has to be the realist. This is my way of protecting myself from that crash if and when we get a negative result. Maybe this is a weird approach but I try to protect my feelings. I do know...there is a reason for this journey and it will come clear but sometimes....sometimes...
Many of you who have been pregnant, have children I know are often hesitant around me. I love you all for worrying about me and appreciate the efforts when you know I am struggling. I won't lie...my heart aches every time I hear someone is pregnant. It is torn....I am ecstatic for the couple but jealous, sad, envious as well. Some of you have had struggles like us, others not as much...which is a blessing for you. But...maddening for me!:) All kidding aside...please know I love to know about your lives and your children, your ups and downs with them. That being said don't be upset if I quietly excuse myself at times...it is just me protecting my heart and emotions. That is okay...I know my limits.
I think the hardest part for me has been those who don't know our struggle, who are naive to the fact that such struggles exist. I have been to showers where I have been asked...so you are next? you don't want children? Some people would even touch and rub my belly and smile? Like they knew something I didn't know. I often just brush it off...use riding our motorcycles as an excuse to not have children right now. I just wonder what people who REALLY don't want children go through??
So...we keep busy and live our lives through this roller coaster. Life doesn't end....it just takes a different winding course. We have had a busy couple years with a trip to Cuba, visiting Rick in the states, Allan out East, camping, road trips..yes on OUR MOTORCYCLES.....oh and who could forget...drinking wine!! Okay...but not the riding and drinking together...honest!
Thank you to all of your out there that have been so supportive up until this point. I don't think you know how much it means to Dennis and I. Listening to be ramble about everything, a shoulder to cry on in a back room at work, boys night to give Dennis a break, wine nights.....it all means the world to us and does help us keep going. Our time will come....
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